Oh Bloggzie

Though no one ever notices, I’m gonna say I have alot on my mind.

First off, the death of my aunt is something that has rocked me to my core. It was so hard to see her lifeless body being kept alive by machines. Her body was there but her soul was not. I had seen it before when I was younger with one of my uncle’s but, I was younger then. Though the sights and smells came back like a flood. It was like a forgotten childhood nightmare that still scares you today.
The pain of both losses is something that is so hard to describe that the word pain is not sufficient to describe it. How is it even possible to bare the loss of a loved one?
I think what made it hard this time around was seeing the sobbing faces of my family members and hearing the innocent yet deep questions of my little cousin, questions like, “how is God going to take her body up to heaven?” And “doesn’t God see us hurting?does he cry for us?” Those quiet whimpering questions in a room full of quiet sobbing and blood shot eyes. Now that just pierced my heart because no one had a real answer for him.
Its been hard to be happy, because I know my aunt wasn’t happy here, she had tried committing suicide before countless times…this time she finally did it. There are too many loose ends that my aunt couldn’t mend since my uncle(her husband) committed suicide. And I think it got to her and ate away what was left of her. Though, she was always so helpful, she was the one in the family that would loan you money if you needed it and she would always have something harsh but funny to jab at you(: that’s why she was the crazy one but we all loved her because she had a good heart. And thats why we all miss her especially her grandkids.
So you could imagine why I freaked out when my mom got a call at two in the moring Sunday saying my grandma was in the hospital. I couldn’t deal with more loss this week, thankfully I didn’t have to. But I became so angry when I realized why my grandma was in the hospital.
She was in the hospital due to congestive heart failure and pneumonia. Which was caused by anxiety from a couple of my aunts and unlces badgering her to go to my aunt’s funeral. And also one of my uncles being a fucking jealous asshole and telling some of my family members that he should have been called first because he was more of a brother to my aunt because he was blood. But he wasn’t called first when my aunt fell in the hospital, they called another of my uncle’s who is a pastor, which my asshole uncle has always tried to compete with my uncle who is a pastor. My asshole uncle even tried becoming a pastor but failed miserably because he was an over righteous ass who condemed his whole congregation and aired their dirty laundry from the pulpit.
Anyways in the light of all this happenings of life, I am reaching down in myself to ask tough questions to myself. I’ll either write or video my responses.